Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
