don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
