I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize