So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
