Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
