she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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