Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
