I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
