I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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