We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
