Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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