somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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