her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize