If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
