oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My penis needs a shock collar
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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