now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
