So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
