FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
