sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
