The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
