I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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