I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
