My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
