What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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