i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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