You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
