how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
