I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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