you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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