Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize