Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
