I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
