Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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