3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
