Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
