god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
