I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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