apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
FUCK WHALES
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
