I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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