Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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