ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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