I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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