i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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