I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
