I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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