i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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