Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
