i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
