we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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