I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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