I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize