Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
