Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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