you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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