once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize