How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Randomize
