I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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