i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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